I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
