wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
