I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
