tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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