Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
