Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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