Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
