I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
