I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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