How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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