Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
