were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
