im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize