Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There are leaves in my underwear?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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