He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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