LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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