everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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