Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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