Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
