Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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