You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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