I think I am morally bankrupt
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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