My Higher Power is John Stamos
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Be still, my beating vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
