the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
