now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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