The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
