Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
