Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
