I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish my penis had an off switch
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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