At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
