You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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