bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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