i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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