im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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