pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
