I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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