I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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