I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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