roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize