Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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