...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
