FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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