I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My ass is underappreciated
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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