omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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