you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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