apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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