It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
