You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
