Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
