In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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