What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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