If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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