Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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