Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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