I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
