I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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