So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
