I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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