Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
